Just another vent

 Honestly things here are pretty good.  We took a beautiful family trip to our favorite little beach town in Puerto Rico (our first visit since 2019).  Katie's college search process is going really well except for the whole "make a decision" thing. The kids are generally ok. 

But...

Some weeks it just all piles up. 

We are STILL not able to use the "new" car that got smashed in February but it does finally go to the shop later this week and we'll get a loaner car so we'll be back to 3 vehicles.  It doesn't really matter as much though because that will be the week of Easter Break when no one really has to go anywhere.  It's the past 3 weeks of "everyone everywhere all at once and yes there are 3 drivers and 3 more permits but only 2 cars.." that has been infuriating. 

We have had a family of flying squirrels in the attic space above what is now T's room (formerly the guest room/my office) and finally called in animal control in late fall.  They said there was nothing to be done about it until some repairs were made to the roof line because there were multiple access points that needed to be sealed. The construction team said they'd be able to do that project in early spring, so we (mostly T) have just had to endure the skritchy scratchy squeaky noise for another few months.  Last Friday the construction team called to say they had a gap in their schedule and could do our project Monday and Tuesday of this week -- yay! Calls to animal control resulted in them coming out today and the squirrels have a one way ticket out of the attic -- we hope.

Meanwhile, Tanya fell ill Sunday night with a bad stomach bug and has been throwing up continuously for about 36 hours.  I think it's finally slowing down but otherwise we'll be at the MD/Hospital today.

Two weeks ago on Tuesday we had a blizzard that shut all the schools for a day or two and iced us in.  By Thursday the sun came out, but Rob fell down the back patio steps that morning (it's 4 steps from the garage to the patio) and cracked two ribs.  This put me and him in the ER all morning and Tanya and Katie getting everyone to and from school and we had already agreed to babysit Octavia that day for the first time in months because their regular sitter was unavailable.  That was also the week Jorge was in Qatar for 10 days for a school trip. (Because of course he was.) Rob's healing but slowly and it's painful and limiting and frustrating for him. 

So what else this week? Squirrels. Construction team. Rob's coaching a track team that starts this week.  Rob's usual work. Stomach bug.  I had a huge project deadline on Monday at 5pm and basically started the project Sunday night. All of my usual work.  Teaching online starts again next week and I'm in total denial. Katie's theater practice, Jorge has track and soccer, Auggie has an after-school science class twice each week and karate twice each week. Jorge and Yurii each work a few days a week.  The first car goes to the shop Thursday. A bird flew into the living room window this morning and stunned itself and created some drama. Chaos as usual.

Here's hoping next week is free of squirrels and stomach bugs and higher in working vehicles. 

More burnout

 3.5 weeks ago we bought Maryna's car off of her to have another car here since we have FOUR young people with driver's permits and eventually some of them will get real licenses.

I spent the past 3.5 weeks dealing with plates and ez pass and insurance and registration and titles and literally yesterday at 2pm finally got it all done and put the "car related stuff" folder AWAY.

And then at 10pm someone backed one of our cars into another of our cars in the driveway. The folder is back out so I can deal with 2 cars at the body shop, insurance, etc for the next month or two.

Meanwhile: one person's health insurance documentation needs to be updated and the government has sent 5 thick packets in the past week about this. In the past week we have also had 6 people to the dentist and 4 of them have follow ups to deal with and 1 has an orthodontist to reschedule and we have to go pick up some contacts at the eye doctor that are finally in. The pharmacy has called repeatedly to come pick up an rx for one kid, but I'm waiting for my doctor to approve a refill for my meds first. Meanwhile another person is waiting to go see a doctor to get a new Rx and will do that in about 2 weeks. One kid's got a ton of paperwork we need to finish for college applications and of course we can't find an old paper W2 for the kid so we have to file some forms to request that. Another kid just passed his driver's permit but because I didn't update a form back in 2009 there's a mismatch on his documents and so I had to dig up some forms to fax (!) to an office for that today. Add in parent teacher conferences and emails and sports and the spring musical and three part time jobs and no one can drive themselves anywhere and no one takes the school bus (except Yurii home in afternoons).

And on top of all that, the adults have jobs. LOSING MY MIND. Thank you.

On raising functional humans

 I'm burnt out.

I was out of town for 3.5 days for a family emergency and came home to find the house in barely-contained chaos.  The waffle iron was still sitting dirty from 4 days ago. No laundry had been done and we were down to one bath towel (we have about 20 shared among the 6 of us and a few of the kids seem to use 3 per day).  

Rob was doing his share and then some, but it's abundantly clear that the kids just...aren't.  I realized a new measure of if a person in the house is doing their fair share: if that person left for a few days would the house be easier or harder to maintain? Cleaner or dirtier? 

Frankly, two of our kids are completely neutral.  They generally do all of their own laundry and clean up their dishes, etc as well as often unloading the dishwasher or cleaning up after dinner or cooking a meal or sweeping a room that's getting dirty. 

One of them is a little work but is quick to jump in when it's pointed out.  

And then two of them sow chaos, dishes, clothing, wrappers, wadded up paper, half-eaten snacks, empty gum containers, half-drank soda bottles, school papers, backpacks, and q-tips EVERYWHERE. 

No.  I'm done.  They are not actual toddlers and even toddlers can do better. 

For years we've had the job list, where one of the parents takes 10 minutes to figure out what needs to be done around the house that day: take out the trash? nah, it's only 1/3 full.  But the compost and recycling do need it.  Which rooms need to be swept today? What's the status on laundry? These go on a list and each kid picks a few jobs and we get it done. 

But this requires us to always be the household managers which is in itself a task and if we don't make a list then certain kids will just assume there's absolutely nothing that needs to be done.  As if they don't have eyeballs in their kids.  The same eyeballs that feel entitled to spend 10 hours per day on video games. Nope.

I am debating two approaches: (A) one kid is assigned the role of household task manager for the morning and does that job of walking around the house identifying what goes on the list.  In theory this is teaching them to go through that 1000 point checklist of the house and identify what is needed.  (B) just telling them "you have eyeballs and you have a brain.  You know what types of things are often on the list. Each day I expect you to spend 15-20 minutes and do something that contributes to the household common areas.  Learn to take care of a household. (and no, cleaning your own room up after you messed it up doesn't count. That's always your responsibility.)" 

2023

Here we are.  

Back when I started writing here in early 2005 I was anxiously imagining how much our world would change when the baby-to-be would emerge into this world mid-June. And here we are again, 18 years later, as I imagine that same baby about to emerge -- again, mid-June -- but this time out of high school.  Not out of my body and into our home, but out of our home and into....we don't even know what yet.

Instead of diaper ads and "your baby is currently the size of an orange", my inbox is full of reminders about FAFSA and CSS profiles.  Doctor's appointments are replaced with decision deadlines. Instead of agonizing over which crib she'll (rarely) sleep in for the next 2-3 years, we're watching her agonize over which city and school she will thrive in for the next four years.

It just all goes so fast.

Life here at the nerd farm is never quiet, but it's beautiful and chaotic and delicious.  We have 5 kids in this house right now.  At any given moment the radar in my head is tracking the movements of 5 kids, my husband, and the (new to us) dog.  Right now? T (24) is sleeping in her room, Y (18) is sleeping in his*, J (15) is working on a paper at the kitchen table while I write in the dining room.  K (17) is in her room, probably on her laptop coding her video game, and A (12) is watching some Pokemon.  Rob is in the basement and the dog is in her "nest" -- a pile of blankets she keeps on the landing of the stairs.  M (24) and her fiancé C and their little one, O (3.75), live nearby and are doing their things, too, of course.  A quieter ping on my radar but always there, too.

Not one day goes by where someone doesn't need a ride somewhere -- usually about 10 different loops in a day, honestly -- and it's only getting more chaotic as they start adding jobs and more sports and theater and other goals.  It's chaotic and exhausting but it's so so short. One year from now K will be heading back to her spring semester in a different city after what is (hopefully) a few weeks home during break. Y will be closing in on his graduation and planning his next step. T will be nearing her two year mark in the asylum process which will mean a return to Ukraine unless the administration opens a path to a longer stay. J will be finishing up his junior year and A his 8th grade year.

Two years from now -- a blink really - K, Y, and T will likely all be living elsewhere, and just J and A will be rattling around as a senior and a freshman. And 9 months later it'll just be Augs.  About thirty months from now we'll be down to just one kid at home.  

Eighteen years ago we were dreaming of having our first and here we are --closing in on the day we are back to "just" one after shepherding six beautiful people through these years.  Here's to making the memories that last.

*For those out of the loop, Y joined our family in fall of 2021 when our adoption from Ukraine was finalized.  His oldest sister, T, moved in with us as a refugee in May of 2022 after the war started.  I updated the cast and crew post today. 

When the school pictures arrive of my kid in epic bed-head, his most worn out hoodie, and a giant 4-H award ribbon pinned to his chest because he wanted to show his friends today and apparently left it on... well, just know that YES we did know it was school picture day and YES we all had such good intentions when we talked about it yesterday afternoon. 7:30 AM is not a functional time for anyone in this house. The outfit passed the "probably clean enough" test and that's the best we do at 7:30. We remembered picture-day again at 9:30 AM.

I really thought we were on TOP of it this year. We had about a dozen emails and reminders. Monday AND yesterday I asked if he knew what he wanted to wear, if it was clean, etc. He had a plan. I forgot to remind him after his shower last night which is when he gets dressed for the next day (sleeping in tomorrow's clothes is God's Best Plan for this child) and so sweatpants and an old shirt of Jorge's adn a hoodie with so many holes you can see through it were the final result. Plus a giant 4-H rosette that he got for a woodworking project.

God Bless the youngest children. They will always look exactly as they are going to look.

 There is some sort of mouse/rat/squirrel/raccoon/small bear that lives in the ceiling above my home-office set up. Every day I hear it scratching and scurrying and I bang on the ceiling and curse at the walls.

There is a dog across the street that barks for at least 30 minutes at some point every single day (most days it seems like hours). I also curse at the windows.

Today, Rob set poison for the thing thumping around in my ceiling.

Today, I ran into the neighbor outside and asked her to OMG PLEASE MAKE YOUR DOG STOP FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS.

Today we started exams week and in 8 days this awful awful semester is over--but really I'm already done, just passing out exam access codes and tabulating grades. EVERYTHING CAN GO AWAY.

Another snapshot of this time, just to remember it: 

 There's so much going on, and yet nothing at all.  We're constantly just barely keeping up, but what we're desperately keeping up with is almost nothing.

Three kids on three academic campuses with three different schedules. Plus Mom and Dad's routines. This week, the fourth (oldest) started a new job, so the 5th (granddaughter) is now here 25 hours per week, too (5 days x 5 hours). 

A typical day starts with this: Katie and Augs wake up at 6:30 and 7 and start getting ready. An adult (usually Rob) gets up at 7:00 and does the drop off loop from 7:30 until 8:20. 

Jorge gets up around 8 and starts his day online. The other adult also gets up around 7:45.

At 9:30 Maryna drops off Octavia and then heads to her job which is just up the road from our house. 

Julie has office hours or class from 9-11 depending on the day, so at some point in there, coffee and camera-ready styles and a bunch of academic prep work happens. Rob mostly uses this time to do meetings and work for his art, and/or read and play with Octavia, or help Jorge with learning, or manage the million details of keeping the house functional. 

Around 11 Octavia takes a nap. We check on Jorge. Everyone resets with a quick lunch. Julie often has meetings with students or co-authors or colleagues. Sometimes the boys in Ukraine use this time to chat as it's late afternoon there. Rob usually works but lately has a lot of school board meetings, too.

Octavia's up at 12 and ready to tear the house apart again. 

Depending on the day, at 12:30 Julie teaches again until 4 --usually on campus but not always.  Rob drives Jorge to school at 12:45 (home at 1:15); and Octavia magically is cared for somewhere between us. Teaching, babysitting, meetings, and work make a fast 2-hour blur.

Maryna comes by at 2:20 to pick up Octavia. Some small talk, some hugs...We've missed our girls.  Until this week (late October) we hadn't hugged them since New Years Eve 2019. Numbers are low here right now thanks to intense community effort. We feel safe enough for a hug or two. It's a risk of course, and we're aware that it would mean a quarantine exposure for 4 different campuses if it goes wrong, but we're  helping our kid hold a job; helping our granddaughter be in a safe place while her parents work.

At 2:45 Rob drives to do the pick-up loop. Most days that means 3:05 for one kid, 3:15 for second, and 4pm for third, with some long waits at the library parking lot.. If Julie is teaching on campus, her class ends at 3:45, so Rob and 2 kids loop home after the 2nd pick up; Julie grabs #3 at 4pm and comes home.

4:20PM, we're all home. Depending on the day there's music lessons by Zoom, Karate, homework is ever-present for the high schooler, Julie teaches a few nights each week, dinner gets made, and somehow we all manage to eat together at 6 or 6:30. Sometimes it's good conversation, sometimes it's a long bickering disaster.

By 7, Julie's back at the work computer. Typically the evening is full of student requests for zoom homework help, faculty meetings, co-author conversations. Sometimes it's teaching full lecture evening classes, sometimes just grading and working.  Meanwhile, Rob's managing bedtime and homework completions and board meetings, kids have zoom calls with classmates for homework. Laundry gets folded and put away, the recycling bins or trash go out or in, lunch gets packed, dishes get finished and the kitchen tidied, .... basically, the million small details happen. Rob negotiates the nightly hostage situation that is shower-time, reads books with August, chases Jorge to bed, and we try to catch Katie before she just turns off the lights.

Suddenly it's 11:00 and the day is almost wrapped up. The to-do list is down to a few impossibly big tasks, like "research a new paper topic" or "plan everything". Some general poking around at those tasks happens.

But then suddenly it's 11:45 and those last two things still aren't organized enough to even call started. We take a few minutes for Duolingo and social media and maybe a glass of wine or some chocolate. Sometimes that's it and we go to bed at 12:15. Usually it's back to one last push at work: art, grading, planning... it's now 12:55. Sometimes the Ukrainian boys feel chatty as they wake up for their day, which is a pleasant way to wrap a night. The younger one has had someissues lately and we're trying to help him feel safe and prayed for; the older is on his own and needs a lot of advice. They text daily.

Showers and bedtime routines for the adults. 

It's 1:15 and we're still too awake to just go to sleep. Reading. Hashing through the day. 

It's 2. Time to be real adults and get sleep.

Repeat repeat repeat. 

There's nothing to really show for it. Julie teaches. The kids do school. We keep a toddler happily entertained. We spend 2.5 hours in the car doing school runs each day. Rob tries to get some projects done. We eat and keep the house functionally clean and organized. Tucked in around things there are the decorative nuisances of life: orthodontists and eye doctors and MRIs and home construction/repairs consultations and voting and new water heaters and car repairs and hair cuts and parent-teacher-conferences. And then there's the things we fight to fit in because they are what it's all about: talking to the boys in Ukraine, talking to our friend and family, volunteer work at projects we are passionate about, and carving out an afternoon hike or a cheesy movie night every now and then. 

It's manageable but not ideal. Jorge's 1-4 school schedule is really the killer, adding a second drop-off loop and extending the afternoon pick-up to a full 90 minutes, all at the busiest times of the day. Teaching most day from 9AM to 9PM for Julie with 5-10 zoom meetings with students, departments, co-authors, etc tucked between classes and 30+ emails per day means 12+ hours at the computer each day with only a few mins each for lunch and dinner.   

Right now, as I write, it's 10:54 pm and I hear spray paint being shaken in the kitchen as Rob heads outside to create some art work after a long day of babysitting, chauffeur duty, cooking dinner, cleaning up, homework help, Halloween costume help, a board meeting, parent-teacher conferences for August, a school board meeting for Jorge's school, the endless reminders to just shower and get it over with, and reading a chapter of Lord of The Rings with August.  

I helped Katie do her hair for her Halloween costume for school at 6:45 AM, did the morning loop, taught from 9-11, babysat, had Aug's parent teacher conference, had some meetings, did the afternoon pick up loop, a meeting with a student, grading, dinner, and then watched the only TV show I like on my laptop while grading exams. It's 11pm and I took 30 mins to write this and now back to grading for 2 more hours so these exams are all done before projects for another class come in tomorrow.